I’ve had many people leave my life, beginning with my father, just before I started second grade. I had very little contact with him over my lifetime. I would see him intermittently until I was 13, then nothing until a letter arrived when I turned 21. I just could not respond. I last physically saw him in 1990 when he came to visit New York. I did not hear from him again until my son was born in 2009. He and his wife would send gifts, clothes, a gift card, and more stuffed animals than I care to recall.
I now have a couple of friends, also photographers, who are moving from NYC. I will miss them. They had become support. I am not part of any photo groups here. I am familiar with some. One I tried to be a part of, but there were too many egos, too much gear talk. I did not feel comfortable. I felt like an outsider. A poor relation. For myself, I was looking to talk imagery, philosophy of creativity. I showed some work to someone to try to move along conversation. I got nothing but a blank stare and silence in return.
Since losing my employment at the beginning of January, I have been going through terrible anxiety about my future and how I can contribute to the support of my family. A job is just a job right? When you lose it, when it is part of your identity, gives you an income to do the things you like to do, support a family, a structure, it makes you feel lost.
I am looking for something. I speak to as many people as I can from all walks of life hoping for that “aha” moment, a click inside my brain.
I know what I like to do. I know that taking photographs is a part of my identity. It is who I am, what I do. It hopefully gives people some joy, something to think about, and in the end, my legacy.
I know I am having a problem transitioning into whatever my next phase will be. I do know I do not want it to look like it has for the last 45+ years. I’d like to concentrate on making imagery a priority. I’d like to teach. I’d like to possibly work at a photo agency again, even part time.
I have put so much energy these last 4 months networking, making new contacts, applying for jobs, some freelance work, having a handful of interviews. Nothing has come through. I have had a couple of promises, but …. silence.
I just feel stuck at this time.
How do I translate what I do into something else just to support myself if applicable?
How do I monetize work that I know isn’t for everyone? Most of my friends don’t get it. They’re not in creative fields. I am alone. That part—the selling, the explaining—feels like the hardest of all.