I’ve had many people leave my life, beginning with my father, just before I started second grade. I had very little contact with him over my lifetime. I would see him intermittently until I was 13, then nothing until a letter arrived when I turned 21. I just could not respond. I last physically saw him in 1990 when he came to visit New York. I did not hear from him again until my son was born in 2009. He and his wife would send gifts, clothes, a gift card, and more stuffed animals than I care to recall.
I now have a couple of friends, also photographers, who are moving from NYC. I will miss them. They had become support. I am not part of any photo groups here. I am familiar with some. One I tried to be a part of, but there were too many egos, too much gear talk. I did not feel comfortable. I felt like an outsider. A poor relation. For myself, I was looking to talk imagery, philosophy of creativity. I showed some work to someone to try to move along conversation. I got nothing but a blank stare and silence in return.
Since losing my employment at the beginning of January, I have been going through terrible anxiety about my future and how I can contribute to the support of my family. A job is just a job right? When you lose it, when it is part of your identity, gives you an income to do the things you like to do, support a family, a structure, it makes you feel lost.
I am looking for something. I speak to as many people as I can from all walks of life hoping for that “aha” moment, a click inside my brain.
I know what I like to do. I know that taking photographs is a part of my identity. It is who I am, what I do. It hopefully gives people some joy, something to think about, and in the end, my legacy.
I know I am having a problem transitioning into whatever my next phase will be. I do know I do not want it to look like it has for the last 45+ years. I’d like to concentrate on making imagery a priority. I’d like to teach. I’d like to possibly work at a photo agency again, even part time.
I have put so much energy these last 4 months networking, making new contacts, applying for jobs, some freelance work, having a handful of interviews. Nothing has come through. I have had a couple of promises, but …. silence.
I just feel stuck at this time.
How do I translate what I do into something else just to support myself if applicable?
How do I monetize work that I know isn’t for everyone? Most of my friends don’t get it. They’re not in creative fields. I am alone. That part—the selling, the explaining—feels like the hardest of all.
It is hard Keith, and looking for work to support a family is never fun until it’s over and secured. One of the things a tutor on my recent MFA course kept drilling into us was the need “to find who’s at your table” – who understands your work, gets what you’re trying to do, appreciates how an artist goes about figuring that out for themselves. Two small things I can recommend: there are several good books on the artist’s way. They aren’t life-changing but they do provide that little bit of inspiration that you’re doing the right thing. The other is the unpleasantly business-sounding “networking.” For instance, I recently went to a free Aperture panel discussion of a new Minor White book hosted at SVA. I wasn’t impressed by the panel discussion, but afterwards people from Aperture (Sarah Meister), the Princeton Press and SVA hung about chatting. If you’re more of an introvert like me you won’t enjoy this, but the more of it you do the easier it becomes and the more likely you are to find someone at your table
Thanks Adam. I received my MFA 41 years ago. I was afraid if I did not get it then, I might not have the opportunity to do so in the future. One thing grad school allowed me was time. Time to think, explore, make mistakes, try to figure out who I was. I mad a promise with myself when I graduated that I would be in the darkroom at least once a week. I kept that promise for 20 years until I developed a reaction to the chemistry. Thank goodness digital came along. I have plenty of artists’ books I refer to all the the time, as well as a pretty large photo library that I can
accommodate in a small apartment. The one thing grad school affords is the ability to meet and find people who have the same sensibility as you, though they might not share the same medium. I enjoyed that very much. The late night, early morning talks over a beer and cigarettes. (I was a smoker for a time.) The discourse I miss very much and something I have always been searching for. So I write, post images to this blog and elsewhere, hoping that some kind of discourse will follow. It very rarely has. As I mentioned, I have tried to become part of a group of like minded people, but it has never worked out to my liking. I had many friends in undergraduate school who ver time gave up the pursuit of self expression and moved onto more conventional ways of making a living. This was not lost on me. I used other means of employment to support myself to pursue my dream. Through this I seem to feel I do this in somewhat of a vacuum or really a duality. I am one person at work and another doing my work. I have persevered. I can’t let go. Certain things are happening now, my books, but I still have to make a living to support my family. I am do what I can to see this through. Right now, on the employment issue, I get crickets.
Apologies for the typos!
Keith, I hear ya. Especially your frustration when others don’t “get” your NEED to be creative. Creativity is not valued as it should be. I don’t know how to change that perspective. I’ve felt if myself, especially from extended family, who have never viewed my writing and photography as “work,” even though I’m paid for (some of) it.
I’ve said it before, but will repeat. You are remarkably talented. You have that ability to capture moments, emotions, situations that show us humanity. Your images can be gritty and revealing and uplifting and difficult. But they are, above all, always honest.
So you want to teach? I think you would be good at that. Just a thought here, but would a community center, library or art center be a place to look to teach? In my community, those might be options, a place to start.
I’m sorry for the situation you are in, the anxiety you feel at your job loss and not being able to provide for your family. That has to be beyond difficult.
Thanks Audrey. I am networking like crazy. Lots of great suggestions, but so far silence in return. I hope that will change.
Teaching is something I am beginning to explore. The community I live in is not very art centric. There are artists here, but not being Latino, I am an outsider. Every so often I’ve had to contend with hostility being a white person in a brown/black community. When we first moved to this neighborhood over 20 years ago, I would get the ground in front of me spat at, as I walked. It would never happen if I was with Nicole or Ethan, only when I am alone. Some people don’t look at me as white, but a light skinned Latino. Education does not seem to be as valued to most here, as most are immigrants. They look at my me and camera as an intrusion or I am trying to document them for ICE. I carry a press press, business cards, when and if a situation should arise, to show people I live in this neighborhood. My family has a history in Harlem. My maternal grandfather owned a grocery store before the Depression, and later was a pushcart vendor.
It is so sad to read this, Keith, only because every day with every one of your posts, I think, “how does he do that?” With your photos, you capture so much: the people up close, the cones (which are a personal favorite of mine), Manhatta, and the every day scenes of NY that are something I just don’t see down here. What are other people looking for? Is it all about AI, Photoshop and whatever else is the latest and greatest? Is there not some ‘local’ newspaper that could appreciate your work? I’m not sure if gig work is something you are interested in, but someone somewhere is missing out on a great photographer in you.
On another note, I have my email from Amazon saved in my Inbox and your book is due to be shipped May 5.
Keith, please keep positive. Something has got to give. You have way too much to offer.
Thanks Lois. I have begun to speak with as many different people as I can. I have spoken to a career coach yesterday. I’m trying to get ideas. It appears, I think due to my age/experience, I am not employable anymore. I won’t stop plugging away.
I wondered if age factored into this. I had a cousin in a similar situation, finding it difficult to land a job due to age. But age is such a positive because with age comes wisdom and experience. If only employers would realize that. I’m glad you continue to plug away, Keith. I believe in you.
Age, the more I speak tp former employees, seems to have been the issue. I was not a high salaried employee, so I cannot see that money was an issue. I was told that due to restructuring, my experience and duties were no longer required. I feel somewhat like a dinosaur. A missing link between what photography once was – film, analog, to what it is now digital, AI. My being able to navigate the changes was due to the fact I love to learn. I love photography in all of its forms.
Wow, you are so talented. I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t have so much to give others in the teaching of photographic imagery. When that is offered in our community, the classes are always sold out. There must be community colleges, libraries or galleries that are missing out by not having someone with your talent teaching the art of photography.
Teaching is something I would like to explore. It is something I’ve always wanted to do. Thanks!